Michael Krassner >> Use your Aleutians

Michael Krassner - "Telegraph Hill"

(Atavistic Records, 1996)

This is another time-stoppingly haunting track from the Dutch Harbor: Where The Sea Breaks Its Back soundtrack; see previous post for more info if you missed it.  Gotta love the eerie samples of wind-ravaged surf in the background.  It kind of brings me back to the mid-'80s, on my dad's sailboat called the Green Toad* in San Francisco Bay, where the waves violently pound you nonstop, requiring the passengers to dart from one side of the boat to the other every few minutes/seconds in order to keep it from tipping over.  And the water is freezing cold year-round, not to mention a favorite haunt of great white sharks, and to top it off, the hulking corpse of Alcatraz is always looming in the background... Truly a miserable experience, but, as Calvin's dad always told him in Calvin & Hobbes, "It builds character."  Other than the sailboating thing, San Fran was absolute paradise to me.  Coincidentally, there's a famous Telegraph Hill in San Fran, the one with all the parrots which inspired a movie, but the one in this song title is apparently in Alaska.
*Our family's Buick sedan was called the Blue Bomb; my dad traded it for a bottle of wine ca. '85 before getting a Honda Accord and a GMC Jimmy.  He drove up to Oregon to get it because there's no sales tax there.  FWIW, today's Honda Civics are much bigger than that era's Honda Accords, since all American cars are incrementally getting bigger and more overpowered each model year in order to satisfy moronic American carbuyers, while people drive smaller and more efficient cars in Europe every year.  (The Civic is the Accord's little brother, if you didn't know.)  Despite its 90-or-so horsepower, that Accord was my favorite car to drive when I got my driver's license in March of '92, due to Honda's patented type of double wishbone suspension, which gives all Hondas / Acuras almost telepathically effortless steering.

As for this track, I've never seen a photo of Michael Krassner, but I can almost picture some gaunt, wild-haired guy sitting at a piano in a few feet of water on the Unalaska coastline in 30-below weather, plinking away at the ivories.  Astute readers will recall that this track was mentioned a few months ago in my National Skyline post, when I gave a list of my favorite piano performances.

Krassner put out a solo album in 1999, which is marred by Elliott Smith-y Sensitive Singer-Songwriter vocals and contains nothing like "Telegraph Hill," unfortunately.  He appears to be mainly a composer and/or producer.  In any case, here is hoping he does more of this minimalist piano stuff someday.  While I have indeed posted two tracks from this soundtrack, note that neither of them is by the main group (The Boxhead Ensemble) which did the majority of the album's music.  You'll have to just go get the album yourself to find out why I've raved about it so much.

Since your eyes need more Dutch Harbor-related imagery, here is a French DVD poster:

The one movie poster that out-pretentouses even the French

I recently dug up a slender 1978 tome that I've had for many years called Crazy Laws, by the unfortunately-named Dick Hyman.

I've almost given it away to thrift stores many a time, but each time I skim through it I am engulfed by a white-hot desire to keep it for a little longer.  Here are some highlights:

• "In Tennessee, you can't shoot any game other than whales from a moving automobile."

• "It is unlawful to throw coal at another person in Harlan, Kentucky -- if the size of the lump exceeds three inches."

• "Lions may not be taken to the theater in Maryland."

• "In Garfield County, Montana, it is ordered that no one shall draw funny faces on window shades."

• "In Georgia, it is unlawful to slap a man on the back."

• "Unrestrained giggling is forbidden on the streets of Helena, Montana."

• "It is unlawful in Woonsocket, Rhode Island, to remove icicles from buildings by taking potshots at them with a gun or rifle."

• "A Chicago law forbids eating in a place that is on fire."

• "In Lawrence, Kansas, you can't carry bees around in your hat on the city streets."

• "It is against the law to tickle a girl in Norton, Virginia."

• "In Memphis, it is against the law for a woman to drive a car unless there is a man either running or walking in front of the car waving a red flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians."

• "A Trenton, New Jersey, ordinance states that it is unlawful to throw any tainted pickles in the streets."
• "To catch a whale in the inland waters of the state of Oklahoma is contrary to law." [I think this is the only whale-related item you'd find there.]

• "In Tulsa, Oklahoma, you cannot open a pop bottle unless a licensed engineer is present."

• "It is illegal in Nebraska to picnic twice on the same spot within any thirty-day period."

• "In Wilbur, Washington, it is against the law for a person to ride upon the streets on an ugly horse." [Please, folks, no Amy Winehouse jokes... It's just too soon.]

• "Providence, Rhode Island, law forbids you to leap over local bridges."

• "International Falls, Minnesota, forbids cats to chase dogs up telephone poles."

• "Vermont says that a woman cannot walk down the street on a Sunday unless her husband walks twenty paces behind her with a musket on his shoulder."

• "It is against the law to speak English in Illinois."

• "In Glendale, Arizona, it is against the law for a car to back up." [Except over an "illegal" immigrant, presumably, considering AZ's immigration stance.]

• "Kansas makes it unlawful to eat snakes on Sunday."

• "The town of Brawley, California, passed a resolution forbidding snow within the city limits."

• "In Atlanta, the law forbids diaper service trucks from having horns that play 'Rock-A-Bye-Baby.'"

• "The law says you can't drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time."

• "In Illinois, Macomb makes it illegal for a car to impersonate a wolf."

• "In Muskogee, Oklahoma, there is an old city ordinance that states that no baseball team shall be allowed to hit the ball over the fence or out of the ball park."

• "A Georgia law prohibits persons from saying 'Oh, Boy' in Jonesboro."

• "Women in Joliet, Illinois, can be jailed for trying on more than six dresses in one store."

• "Beards more than two and a half feet long are forbidden by law in Altoona, Pennsylvania."  [Hear that, Brooklyn hipsters?  No more ironic field trips to Altoona for you.]

• "In Massachusetts, it is against the law to put tomatoes in clam chowder."

• "You can't say 'delinquency' on the streets of Marcus Hook, Pennsylvania."

• "In Winchester, Massachusetts, a young girl may not be employed to dance on a tightrope except in church."

Planets with similar climates: Harold Budd & Brian Eno - "Not Yet Remembered" & "The Plateaux Of Mirror" (1980), Roger Eno - "Whispering Gallery" (1994), Liz Story - "Speechless" (1988), Györgi Ligeti - "Musica Ricerata (Movement II)" (ca. 1951-53) (made famous in Eyes Wide Shut), (George Winston - "January Stars" (1982).


Currently eating or drinking: Stonefire Tandoori Naan flatbread; Mirassou 2009 California Pinot Noir; iChill Blissful Berry "relaxation shot".

Actual size; available at finer gas stations.